King or Queen of the Mountain 2
by Kaira Fire-Demon
Summary: Everyones favorite game show is back and with more characters than ever before! Watch your favorite Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9 and 10 characters make complete fools of themselves while being toyed with by a mischeivous hostess. Best of all, YOU decide who wins
1. Episode 1

Kaira: --sits on top of a giant rock and glares up at a bug flying around her wolf ear--

--buzz buzz buzz--

Kaira: --turns into a wolf and bites at the bug until she catches it--

Camera Man: Ehh, Kaira? ...The camera's rolling...

Kaira: --thinking-- _Oh ... crap! _OO --turns back into a human with her cheeks puffed out and a 'buzzing' sound coming from inside her mouth--

Camera Man: ...and we're live...

Kaira: --spits bug out-- Gah! Eww... --sigh-- Eh, uh, um ... Hi everyone! Well, I know I've been gone for a while, seeing as my last show was taken off the air. And then, there was the whole law suit thing ... gosh, who knew celebrities could be SO sensitive... (A/N you wouldn't understand what I mean unless you read the first "K(oQ)otM"). Anyway, I'm finally back and hopefully things will go smoother this time. So then, lets get started. --presses remote control button--

Barret: --appears out of know where along with other Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9, and 10 characters-- ...OH #$&#! NOT THIS AGAIN! It's that damn wolf girl!

Kaira: --glare--

Tifa: And we're back on this stupid mountain again!

Yuna: Back? I've never been here before.

Rikku: Me either! --runs off to examine the fun looking landscape--

Amarant: Consider yourselves lucky...

Yuna: . . . all of a sudden, I have a bad feeling about this...

Don: YAY! Beatrix baby! You're back! --attempts to hug Beatrix--

Beatrix: I don't think so, lecher! --kicks him in the AHEM--

Don: Owww... love hurts... come on baby ... I know you want me ...

Beatrix: Of course, I want you... I want you dead!

Kaira: Well, I see we're off to a happy start. Anyway, as I just said, one big difference in this new season is that I've added Final Fantasy X. Now, instead of 42 characters and 3 teams of 15, we'll have 55 characters and 5 teams of 11 (confusing I know ...don't worry it'll all get even more confusing --smiles innocently--)  
Now how this game works is at the end of each episode you get to vote for which character you want voted off. Occasionally we'll have an immunity challenge which will protect the winning team from being voted for, so pay attention to which people are safe and which ones aren't. However, I'll notify you if you have accidentally voted for some who has immunity.

The following is a quick list of all 55 characters. This way you can refer back and decide who to vote for. This list will be updated as people are voted off.

FF7  
Cloud -- Tifa -- Aeris -- Barret -- Yuffie -- Red XIII -- Vincent -- Cait Sith -- Cid -- Reno -- Rude -- Elena -- Don Cornelia -- Sephiroth

FF8  
Squall -- Rinoa -- Selphie -- Zell -- Quistis -- Irvine -- Edea -- Seifer -- Fujin -- Raijin -- Angelo -- Laguna -- Kiros -- Ward  
  
FF9  
Zidane -- Garnet -- Vivi -- Steiner -- Eiko -- Freya -- Amarant -- Quina -- Beatrix -- Blank -- Marcus -- Cinna -- Ruby -- Kuja  
  
FFX  
Tidus -- Yuna -- Lulu -- Wakka -- Auron -- Rikku -- Kimahri -- Paine (Yes, I know she's from X2 and not X, but ... oh well) -- Brother -- Jecht -- Dona -- Barthello -- Braska

Kaira: Dang...that's a of people... Oh well, that'll change once things get started. Now then, on to the teams which have been predetermined. (and as always everyone, most of this is randomized. However, some people I _did_ put on the same teams just to make things interesting ... MWAHAHA)

Beatrix: --thinking-- _Please don't let me be on the same team as Don Cornelius... _

Eiko: --thinking-- _Please let me be on the same team as Zidane! _

Kuja: --thinking-- _Please let me be on the same team as my beloved!_ (A/N he has a lot of those actually...)

Team One in alphabetical order consists of...  
Amarant, Brother, Elena, Laguna, Paine, Raijin, Rikku, Rinoa, Seifer, Vincent, and Zell.

Team two consists of...  
Barret, Braska, Cinna, Eiko, Garnet, Kimahri, Quistis, Sephiroth, Ward, Yuna, and Zidane.

Eiko: YAY!

Zidane: What are you so happy about?

Eiko: ...oh nothing... --thinking-- _MWAHAHAHAHA! HE'S MINE! ALL MINE! _

Garnet: Oh look Zidane. We're on the same team. What luck!

Eiko: --thinking-- _...DARN HER!_

Team Three consists of...  
Aeris, Auron, Beatrix, Cloud, Don, Freya, Kiros, Lulu, Steiner, Tifa, and Yuffie.

Don: --looks at Beatrix ... then at Tifa ... then at Lulu-- OH MY GOD, I'M IN HEAVEN!  
(A/N I think you all know where I'm going with this)

Beatrix: Steiner?

Steiner: Yes, General?

Beatrix: Take your sword ... and stick it through my head ... please!

Team Four consists of...  
Angelo, Dona, Edea, Jecht, Red XIII, Reno, Ruby, Rude, Squall, Tidus, and Vivi.

Angelo: --thinking-- _Well, at least I'm not the only dog on this team. Red XIII is here too. And he's kinda hot. I wonder if he'd notice me. _(A/N Yes, I make Angelo a female dog)

Red XIII: --thinking-- _Why is that dog starring at me...? Creepy fur ball..._

And FINALLY Team Five consists of...  
Barthello, Blank, Cait Sith, Cid, Fujin, Irvine, Kuja, Marcus, Quina, Selphie, and Wakka.

Kuja: Yes! Blank, my love. Fate has once again allowed us to share a team together on this god forsaken TV game show. (A/N I enjoy making fun of all the Blank/ Kuja yaoi out there by putting them together)

Blank: Oh crap ... not this again ... Why must fan fiction writers torture me!

Marcus: Well, if they're anything like me, it's cause they like watching you suffer.

Blank: --glare-- Gee, thanks... Glad to see I have my "bro" behind me on this.

Kaira: Well, if it makes any difference, I like watching you suffer too.

(A/N btw, all the FF9 characters are friends with Kaira. You wouldn't understand all that unless you read Through Dragons Eyes)

Blank: What! Why?

Kaira: Cause. You're so darn cute when you're frustrated.

Blank: ...

Kaira: Anyway ... --sigh-- That's too many people! Well, I hope _you_ can keep 'em all straight, cause I sure can't. The teams wont matter until the next episode. For now, lets just get to the voting. **Since there are so many contestants on this game show, I'm gonna ask you to vote for the three characters that you would like voted off. Any of them at all! It doesn't matter.** And don't worry, in the second episode, the game will _really_ get started. If you saw the last season of "King (or Queen) of the Mountain" you know how much fun we'll have making our favorite and least favorite characters look like COMPLETE idiots. And who knows? Maybe there will even be some secret romances going on in the tribes --snickers evilly-- So if you wanna know what stupid stuff they're gonna have to do, you've gotta vote! (and just to encourage you to vote, last season their was butt pinching, gay kissing, and arguments over boobs! ...All of it forced on them by yours truly, Kaira)

Oh and I forgot a disclaimer earlier so here it is: In the words a famous and popular robot (and No, I don't own him or his phrase either...) "Bite my shiny, metal ass!" I hate disclaimers! Of course I don't own any of the Final Fantasy characters! I only own Kaira and this mountain ... which doesn't really exist. And I'll give a HUGE chocolate chip cookie to anyone who can guess what robot that is!

Please vote!


	2. Episode 2

Kaira: Here comes Peter Cottontail.  
Hoppin' down the bunny trails.  
Hippity Hoppity Easter's on its way.

Paine:...what are you doing?

Kaira: Well, we needed a theme song, and I just finished watching that movie on Cartoon Network...so the song was stuck in my head. (A/N no really, I did. I can't believe I actually sat through that whole stupid movie...) I apologize if I seem a little stupid today...heh. I didn't get much sleep last night and I always act high whenever I'm low on sleep. So ... that's my excuse for the Easter caroling. --smiles innocently--

Selphie: Hey, I like Easter songs, ehhh...what was your name?

Paine...Paine.

Selphie: Oh yea! How could I forget that?

Paine: --thinking-- _...what's that suppose to mean...? _

Kaira: Anyhoo, my first order of business today is announcing who the three that are leaving the mountain are.

Yuffie: And they get sent to the Empty Room of Nothingness?

Kaira: Hmm...not this time. I've got a _new_ place to send you this time.

Everyone but Kaira: uh oh...!

Kaira: --smiles innocently-- It's called the Floating Island of Nowhere...ness. FIN for short!

Rinoa: --gasp-- We get to go to Finland!

Elena: You're an idiot...

Kaira: yyyyea...so then, the three people who are going to FIN are...Braska, Don (A/N which really makes me sad...he makes for AWESOME comedy!), and Edea.

Don: Nooo! Once again, my dear Beatrix, I must leave you and the rest of my harem early on in the game...

Beatrix, Tifa, and Lulu: WE'RE SAVED!

Don: But, hey, if you get voted off soon enough, we can always start a game of our own in this...Island of...Floating...ness...place.

Beatrix: --turns to face the camera-- Viewers of this show...if you can hear me, I beg of you! Don't send me to be with that evil midget! --starts crying-- Don't you care about a woman in need?

Braska: Well, good bye, Yuna.

Yuna: Bye Daddy! And believe me, from what I've heard...I think you're better off anywhere but here.

Braska: Well, then I wish you good luck, because you sound like you'll need it.

Squall: Bye, Matron.

Selphie: Bye bye, Edea.

Edea: I'll see you all back home once this...foolish "game" is over with.

Kaira: Foolish? That's it! --presses her remote control button--

Braska, Don, and Edea start to disappear.

Then the three of them reappear somewhere else.

Braska: --blinks his eyes open-- Where are we...?

Edea: I don't feel so good... --runs over to the side of the raft and throws up--

Don: She sent us to a raft...?

Edea: How can she call this an island! We're in the middle of the freakin' ocean!

(A/N actually...that just makes it sound _more_ like an island...cuz they usually are in the middle of the ocean... Sorry just a little thought. Edea doesn't think when she's queasy...)

(Back on Mountain)

Kaira: And my second order of business is to announce who bothered to answer my trivia question...which had absolutely nothing to do with Final Fantasy...heh. Anyway, the answer of course was Bender. And the winners are PopcornShirimp and Auronrocks! Yay for both of you and here are your cookies! --gives you 127 cookies each-- Why 127 you ask? ...I don't know...it seemed like a fun number.

Elena: And...the point of that was...?

Kaira: ...It doesn't matter! --twiddles thumbs-- Anyway, on to the first challenge. The game I'm gonna have you play is...

--Two hours later--

Auron: Got any twos?

Sephiroth: --glare-- ...Go fish.

Auron: Damn...

Kaira: Okay, for those of you who are just tuning in, we're in the middle of a heated game of ... yeah that's right. I went there. ...Go Fish! We're down to the final round between Team Two and Team Three.

--Two more hours later--

Kaira: Okay the game is over and everyone is counting up there card matches. And ...yes, it looks like...TEAM TWO WINS! And that concludes our exciting game of Go Fish. Team Two won meaning no one can vote for anyone on that team during the next voting. All of you can go back to your camps now and rest up. You must be exhausted after such a strenuous challenge!

Quistis: Ehh...yea...

(---Back at Team Two's campsite---)

Barret: Okay, all you slackers, we've got food to find, trees to cut, and we still gotta put this #$&&#& hut together! So who's ready to work their ass off!

Eiko: --moan!--

Zidane: I say we make that guy cut the trees. I mean, with that ridiculously long sword, he should have it done in no time.

Sephiroth: ...I don't cut trees unless they're in the way of my prey.

Barret: Listen here you one-winged freak show! You're gonna contribute to this team or my name isn't Barret Wallace!

Sephiroth: Then plan on changing your name... --walks away--

Kimahri: Kimahri get trees.

Yuna: Good idea, Kimahri. Don't worry Barret, Kimahri can take care of cutting the trees for the hut and for a fire. Garnet and I will go see if we can find any fruit trees around here.

Ward: Wait up, eh...blue, lion thing! I'll go with you.

(---Meanwhile at Team Four's campsite---)

Ruby: And then, after Reno insulted Red XIII by calling him a "dirty wild animal," Red finally got upset and wanted revenge. And so before Reno could react, Red did what the dare said. it was so funny!

Reno: ...Was that really a necessary story to tell!

Tidus: You kissed a dog!

Reno: No, I did not! _He_ kissed _me_!

Red XIII: --tries to cover up his laughter-- Only out of revenge.

Jecht: Reno, I haven't known you that long, but I think I can honestly say that you're disgusting.

Reno: I did not kiss him, damnit! Rude, back me up!

Rude: I'm pretty sure I remember a kiss.

Reno: --glare-- Well, thanks for your help, buddy!

Rude: Any time.

(A/N for those of you who didn't read any of "King (or Queen) of the Mountain 1," they're referring to a game of Truth or Dare that Kaira made them play. She dared Reno to kiss Red XIII but he refused and...well I'll copy and paste it from my word processor and add it to the end of this chapter)

Dona: Now, now. Don't be too mean.

Reno: Yea, what she said.

Dona: I mean, you'll hurt poor Red XIII's feelings if you keep calling him a dirty dog.

Reno: Wha...! What about me!

(---Team Three's campsite---)

Yuffie: Ugh! Stupid Tree! Hey Aeris, can you reach that apple? --points up at an apple just out of her reach--

Aeris: Sure. I can try.

Kiros: Aeris is so nice, isn't she. Always willing to help others.

Cloud: Yeah, she sure is.

Tifa: --thinking-- _What! Why those little...! I'm just as nice as she is, but I don't hear anyone complementing ME. _

Aeris: I almost got it.

Tifa: --shoves Aeris out of the way-- Oh don't worry Aeris I'll get it. I wouldn't want you to uh...throw your back out...or something...eh heh heh. --smiles innocently--

Aeris: umm...no, really Tifa. It's fine. I can get it. --tries again to reach the apple--

Tifa: No, Aeris. --glare-- I insist. --reaches for the apple--

Yuffie: ...?

Cloud: Oh for God's sake... just let _me_ get the apple.

Aeris and Tifa: NO!

Cloud: Ehh...okay...

Freya: A feud such as the battle over hearts is not easily put to rest.

Steiner: ...Well, what the hell does that mean?

Lulu: She means those two are going to battle each other to the death until someone finally gets Cloud.

Steiner: Oh...gee, I wish I were that popular.

Beatrix: ...Don't get your hopes up...

(---Team One---)

Brother: --sigh-- It's not fair! I end up with Rikku on my team. I end up with Paine on my team. But no Yuna! Where is Yuna! Linca oiu fumv vun dygehk yfyo so Yuna!

Rikku: She's not your Yuna. She's OUR Yuna. And by "our," I mean Paine and I. So --blows raspberry at him--

Brother: Bah! Who asked you?

Rinoa: What language was he speaking?

Rikku: Oh, it was Al Bhed.

Rinoa: ...Who's Al?

Rikku: --sigh-- It's not a name, it's a race?

Rinoa: Oh really? What kind of race? Like a foot race? Or a bike race? OH, maybe a horse race. That would be fun!

Rikku: ...

Paine: She's more of an idiot than you are, Rikku.

Raijin: We've gotta get something done around here eventually, ya know.

Seifer: Rajin is right. We haven't eaten since yesterday morning. I say we send someone off hunting.

Zell: Okay then...you go.

Seifer: ugh, why you lazy little– !

Amarant: I'll go. --walks up and leaves without saying another word--

Vincent: What would you catch without a gun? --follows Amarant--

Amarant: --thinking-- _Well, anything is better than sitting here listening to these morons._

(---And finally Team Five---)

Quina: Yay! Kuja! Quina end up on same team as Kuja!

Kuja: Ugh, get your hands off me, you slobbering buffoon.

Marcus: I don't understand why Quina has such a fascination with him.

Blank: I don't understand why _anyone_ would have a fascination with him.

Barthello: I'm back everyone. --drops a pile of firewood on the ground--

Cait Sith: Thank god. We've been waiting forever to cook dinner. Kuja set it on fire with your magic.

Kuja: I don't take orders from ugly cats.

Blank: Kuja...set the wood on fire with your magic.

Kuja: Yes, Blank --smiles and sets the wood on fire--

Selphie: Heh, you're so mean. Abusing the fact that he's in love with you.

Blank: Well, if it gets him to listen.

(A/N for those of you who haven't figured it out, I'm making fun of all the Blank/Kuja fics out there...not that I have anything against them, cuz I read them too)

Irvine: --looks at Selphie-- You know, if someone were in love with me, I would never abuse them.

Selphie: I'm not in love with you, Irvine.

Irvine: Uh...but...that's not what I said.

Selphie: But it's what you meant.

Irvine: ...

Selphie: --laughs-- Now stop trying to convince me to go out with you.

Cait Sith: Ha ha, you got caught.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
A special flash back of "King (or Queen) of the Mountain 1" for those who didn't get to see it.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kaira: Anyway, Rude, your turn.

Rude: Reno, truth or dare?

Reno: Dare.

Rude: Okay, I dare you to kiss Red XIII.

Reno and Red: WHAT!

Elena: Oh gosh …

Reno: I wont degrade myself down to kissing a dog.

Red XIII: --glare-- I agreed with you up until you said that…What do you mean "degrade"?

Reno: Well, You're a dirty, wild animal.

Red XIII: --thinking-- _I don't wanna kiss him any more than he does me. But I want revenge for that comment. --_quickly leans forward and kisses Reno on the lips before he has any time to react--

Reno: HEY! That's not fair! Ewww… --wipes lips off while glaring at Red XIII--

Yuffie --tries not to laugh-- . . . --tries harder not to laugh-- . . . . . --can't help but laugh--

Yuffie bursts out laughing, quickly followed by everyone else who is friends with Red XIII and then by Rude and Elena.

Reno: yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha …

-------------------------------------  
Well, that's it until next time. And to make voting easier for you, I've put a list of all five teams in my profile. Just click on it to refresh your memory of who's on what team, so that you don't accidentally vote for someone who has immunity. And, speaking of immunity, Team Two has it. So no voting for anyone on that team! Thanks for watching!


	3. Kaira's Poetry Corner

Kaira: Well...I waited...and waited and waited and waited (as all of you did as well). But still there seemed to be no end to this tie...and so here I stand with a three way tie between Laguna, Aeris, Cait Sith, and Beatrix.

Yuffie: Hey! Did she just...?

Tifa: Yeah, I think she did...she told us who got voted for without agonizingly making us wait in anticipation to hear what she's going to say next.

Selphie: ...YAY! It's a miracle! Hey, isn't that the name of a TV show?

Kaira: Umm...yea, anyway...I've been in this situation before and it seems that we're gonna have to have a revote. So then, Laguna from Team One, Aeris from Team Three, Cait Sith from Team Five, and Beatrix from Team Three...step forward.

Beatrix: Great...I've never gotten a vote in my life! Whoever voted for me is a very cruel and unsympathetic person...It's almost like you WANT me to be stuck with that lecher known as Don Corneo. (A/N of course, if she read the reviews, she'd know that that's exactly what some people want. Lol)

Cait Sith: Wh...what are you gonna do to us?

Kaira: I'm gonna feed you all to my vicious pet, Kilala! Sick 'em Kilala!

Kilala: ...meow...

Cait Sith: ...AHHH!

Kaira: ...stupid cat... Not you, Kilala! I meant the other cat, the one on top of the giant, ugly moogle. Anyway, I want you the four of you to each give a speech as to why people should vote for one of the other three. So instead of saying something good about yourself...I want you to trash talk everyone else. --evil grin-- This should be good. Laguna, You're first.

Laguna: Trash talk? Well, I'm not very good at trash talking. I usually let Kiros do that. But uh...hmm...I guess, uh you should vote for Cait Sith because face it everyone, that guy is annoying as hell! I mean, I'm not even on the same team as the guy, and yet he _still_ drives me nuts.

Cait Sith: Hey! I'm not annoying! You're just jealous because I was blessed with such a beautiful and perfect figure. --moogle places his hands on his hips-- (A/N if he _has_ hips, that is)

Kaira: By the way, you should also vote for Cait Sith because every time I type his name...I accidentally type a...not very happy word instead. (one of these times, you guys are gonna read his name in a chapter and it's gonna say "Cait Shit" by accident...although, I personally think that's a lot more appropriate name for him)

Cait Sith: It's not my fault. Blame Reeves...or Shin-Ra...or my mom...or whoever named me, darn it! ...Where did I come from!

Kaira: Okay, Aeris. You're next.

Aeris: --clears throat-- Well, I don't really have anything against _any_ of these people. So I guess whoever you all feel should go is who you should vote for.

Kaira: ...OH, COME ON! That was boring, ya freakin' goody goody! I wanna hear words of hate! I wanna see bloodshed! I wanna see the four of you gouge each others eyes out with insults!

Fujin: ...Kaira...

Cinna: Well, that was a ...happy thought, wasn't it?

Raijin: That's a little morbid, ya know.

Kaira: Eh...heh. Sorry. Well, Aeris is boring. So lets move on to Cait Sith.

Cait Sith: Umm...I think that you all should vote for Beatrix, Because looking at her chest freaks me out.

Beatrix: Ahem! What exactly are you implying?

Tifa: --death glare-- Yeah, Cait Sith...what ARE you implying!

Cait Sith: I wasn't trying to...I just mean that...Well, they're...big.

Tifa: --clenches fists-- FINAL HEAVEN! --uses her Final Heaven Limit Break on Cait Sith--

Beatrix: --goes into a Trance-- CLIMHAZZARD!

Cait Sith: GAH! ...

Lulu: Care if I join in? --casts Firaga, Blizaga, Thundaga, and Waterga on Cait Sith all at the same time--

Kaira: Alright! See, now _this_ is what I wanted! None of that crap Aeris threw in our face.

Aeris: --glare--

Kaira: Anyway, Beatrix, you're the last one to go.

Beatrix: Well, I think that half of you should vote for Cait Sith...cause he's a sexist...

Cait Sith: I really didn't mean anything by it! It just makes me uncomfortable.

Beatrix: Yeah...right...and the other half of you should vote for Aeris.

Aeris: What? Why?

Beatrix: Because...you're suppose to be dead! What the hell are you doing here? I mean, what are you? Immortal!

Aeris: Well, technically, all of us are immortal because our souls cannot die...You see, after we die our–

Beatrix: Oh, cut the philosophy class, Honey!

Kaira: Well, there you have it fans. The opinions of our cast on who you should vote for to break the tie. And since this was a tie between Laguna, Aeris, Cait Sith, and Beatrix; those are the ONLY four people you will be allowed to vote for this time around. We wont be having a challenge or an Immunity this time.

Everyone but Kaira: YAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!

Kaira: However...

Everyone but Kaira: AWWWWWW...

Kaira: I do still have a special treat for you all. A new addition to the show called --drum roll-- "Kaira's Poetry Corner."

Cid: What the $&$#!

Kaira: It's an open-mic poetry reciting where all of you can get up and express yourselves through poetry.

Squall: Oh...great...

Kaira: Stop complaining! here, I'll go first.

Roses are red. So is Reno's hair.  
Rude doesn't have hair, but what do I care?  
Red XIII had fur, and Angelo does.  
Elena's a blonde, which is quite obvious.  
She's stupid as hell, and makes lots of mistakes.  
She is such a newb, or so Tseng would say.

Elena: --mouth hangs open in disbelief--

Kaira: Now still there is Yuffie. And Selphie as well.  
They may not be blonde, but they're ditzy as hell.  
A constantly talking annoyance of doom,  
That's Yuffie and Selphie. Sanity BOOM

Yuffie: Hey! I think she's insulting us!

Kiros: And I think you're proving her point.

Yuffie: Oh, that's it! Give me all your materia, you jerk!

Kiros: ...my what...?

Kaira: And speaking of sanity, lets talk about Eiko.  
Honey, the guy you like is TEN YEARS OLDER THAN YOU!  
So go join a club or make some new friends,  
Cause you've got no life, Sweetheart. Zidane is Garnet's.

Eiko: --FUME--

Garnet: --blush--

Zidane: --laughs at Garnet--

Kaira: I guess that's all for now. I'll come again soon  
So make sure you tune in again on "Diss the Cast 2"

Rinoa: --claps-- bravo! Great job, Kaira!

Squall: Rinoa, why are you applauding to _that_?

Rinoa: Because. She didn't make fun of me once throughout that entire poem. And I think Kaira proved to me in the first season how much she dislikes me, so I'm quite proud of the fact that I have not been insulted yet this season.

Quistis: Of course, now that you said that, Kaira's probably gonna do something horrible to you soon.

Rinoa: --glare-- Well, aren't you just a ray of sunshine today...

Kaira: Okay, so that was my little attempt at poetry. And it's almost open-mic time! But first, I'm gonna make the four contestants who are on Almost Eliminated Row to recite their own poems.

Beatrix: What! I have no poetic abilities what-so-ever!

Kaira: That's not MY problem, Honey. Deal with it. And you're going first, by the way.

Beatrix: Ah! I'm what! ...--moan--... Um...okay...here we go...

He may be just a screw-up. He may not be too bright.  
Adelbert Steiner's not too great, but he is still my knight.  
He has no skill in battle. He acts before he thinks.  
Good thing I can't argue with love; cause, man, he really stinks.  
Over-all, I can kick is butt in anything I do.  
But Adelbert is _my_ screw-up. So Steiner, I love you.

Kaira: Are you kidding? What do you mean you have "no poetic abilities"! That was great!

Steiner: Aww thanks Beatrix. --hugs Beatrix as she walks off the stage-- That was really sweet in a...spirit crushing kind of way...

Kaira: Which of you three wants to go next?

Cait Sith: I'll go next...just so I can get this over with. --walks onto the stage--

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,  
And what a _big_ tuffet she had.  
A long came a spider that sat down beside her  
And said, "Honey, you need liposuction."

Squall: So, uh...you know that guy?

Cloud: Nope.

Tifa: Never seen him before.

Kaira: That was an...interesting poem, Cait Sith. But will his sense of humor be enough to keep him on the show. Laguna? Aeris? Which one is going next?

Aeris: I will. --clears throat--

There is this one guy that I love,  
But emotion he will never show.  
He's graceful as I, like a _cloud_ in the sky.  
More literally than you all know.

But there is this girl that I know,  
Who wants my sweet cloud for herself.  
She's tempting and sexy, a whore if you ask me.  
Honey, my guy wont stare at your shelf.

Tifa: --thinking-- _That little! What is she talking about? Is she accusing me of something? I don't like Cloud that way...okay, maybe I do, but I don't even WANT him to look at my "shelf"! _"AND HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A WHORE!"

Aeris stops and everyone stares at Tifa.

Aeris: Is something wrong, Tifa?

Cloud: --whispers-- Tifa, what are you yelling about? It's just a poem Aeris made up...What makes you think she's calling you a whore?

Tifa: Uh...I uh...Well..._she_ started it!

Cloud: --glare-- Oh, yeah...real mature, Tifa.

Tifa: Well, she did! Cloud! You know she was talking about me!

Raijin: Man, they need to confine that chic, ya know.

Fujin: Amen.

Cloud: Tifa, now look. People are staring at us. --tries to hide his face-- Would you please just stop talking...

Kaira: umm...okay, Aeris. I guess you're done. That was very abrupt ending, but okay. Laguna, you're the last one to go before open-mic.

Laguna: Oh gosh, I don't know how to freestyle poetry. ...umm...oh! I got it.

Peace is but a shadow of death, desperate to forget it's painful past.  
Though we hope for promising years,  
After shedding a thousand tears,  
Yesterday's sorrow constantly nears.  
And while the moon still shines blue,  
By dawn, it will scarlet hue.

Kaira: Wow Laguna...that was really good. I honestly didn't think you had it in you.

Kuja: That's because he doesn't! You plagiarist! _I_ wrote that, not _you_!

Laguna: Eh heh heh...

Kiros: Uh...Laguna, how would you know any of that guy's...girl's...um...any of _its_ poetry?

Kuja: --glare-- ...guy...

Laguna: What? ... I play a lot of video games, okay.

Kaira: Wait, you stole that? Thief!

Zidane: But _you're_ a thief too, Kaira.

Kaira: ...I am _not_ a thief...I'm a pirate. Thank you very much.

Zidane: ...right. And besides, why do you say "thief" as if it's a _bad_ thing?

Kaira: umm... --looks at all the Tantalus members who all look like they're gonna mob her-- Okay, say anyway! I guess, that's all for today.

Marcus: Oh yeah, avoid the subject why don'cha?

Kaira: I wanted to have an open-mic session, but we ran out of time. But since this one went so well, maybe I'll have another poetry reading sometime.

Blank: Okay, I'll distract her with my beauty, and you three attack from all sides.

Marcus, and Cinna: Got it!

Ruby: With yer wut...?

Kaira: And remember everyone, you can only vote for Laguna, Aeris, Cait Sith, or Beatrix this time to break the tie. And be for warned, I'm not updating again unless the tie is broken. --looks worriedly over at the Tantalus crew-- Bye bye, my loving viewers! See ya next time! --bursts into flame and disappears--

Zidane: ...Dammit...You guys shoulda let me handle her.


	4. Episode 3

Kaira: Oh ay ooh ay ooh ay oh ay aah ay ah ooh ay oh ay aah

Brother: Ugh, fryd dra ramm ec cra tuehk huf?

Rikku: I think it's suppose to be the Survivor theme song.

Brother: ...oh.

Kaira: Well, come back everybody! Thanks to everyone who helped to break this god forbidden tie, and here are the results.

((Everyone leans in to listen))

Kaira: The next person out is...

Barthello: Well?

Kaira: IS...

Wakka: Come on, man. Hurry it up, ya.

Kaira:...what do you mean "man"?

Wakka: Eh...woman...

Kaira: --glare-- Thank you. And it's Cait Sith.

Cait Sith: Huh? What about me? Did I hear my name?

Seifer: Ugh...You're out ya beatnik!

Cait Sith: Oh...man, I never last long in this game...

Cid: --sarcastic-- I wonder why...

Cait: Sith: Hey!

Dona: My my my...well, aren't you all in a good mood today.

Kaira: So then...bye bye --smiles and presses remote--

Cait Sith: --singing-- Off to the island I go.

((meanwhile on the Floating Island of Nothingness (FIN))

Don: Twenty-one bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-one bottles of beer. Ya take one down, pass it around. Twenty bottles of beer on the wall. --continues singing--

Edea: Shall you kill him or shall I?

Braska: Either is fine with me.

Cait Sith: --appears out of nowhere--

Braska: They took longer with the elimination this time that before.

Cait Sith: Yeah, well we had a four way tie to deal with and I lost.

Edea: Obviously.

Cait Sith: Sooo... --looks around at the raft and the endless ocean-- ...this is the island?

Don: Seventeen bottles of beer on the wall, seventeen bottles of beer...

Edea & Braska: ...Yup...

Cait Sith: ...great.

((back on the mountain))

Kaira: Now then, time to start our next Immunity Challenge.

((Scary music plays))

Jecht: Would'ya cut the crap and get to the point!

Kaira: --glares at Jecht-- The next challenge will be...A two on two chick fight to the death!

Yuna: To the what!

Tidus: HEY! You can't do that to my Yuna! I swear to god if you ever tried to make her--

Kaira: TIDUS! ...I was just kidding...

Tidus: ...oh...

Brother: What do you mean by YOUR Yuna?

Tidus: Well, she IS my Yuna.

Brother: Yuna, is this true? Or is this man a harassing stalker!

Yuna: O.O ...umm...

Brother: AHA! So he is! Oui caqiym rynyccehk pycdynt!

Rikku: Brother! Tidus is NOT a bastard!

Paine: I notice you object to that, but not the sexual harasser part.

Yuna: What! Brother, what did you say?

Rikku: Oh...whoops...well, he's not that either! --kicks her brother in the AHEM--

Yuna: ...I don't think that was really necessary, Rikku.

Rikku: Who cares? It was still fun!

Kaira: Anyway, we're suppose to be talking about the game here... --looks down at Brother who's rolling on the ground in pain-- Well...at least he doesn't have to participate. First thing's first, I have randomly picked out two girls from each team who will participate (A/N and yes, I DO mean randomly. As always, everything is randomized so I'm not playing favorites)

Ruby: Randomly? Gosh dog it! I don't like the sound of that...

Kaira: So then, if I call your name, I want you and your partner to come stand up here beside me. For Team One, I need Rinoa and Rikku.

Rinoa: ...I have to fight Rikku to the death?

Rikku: No, you dumbutt! We're on the same team.

Kaira: For Team Two, will Eiko and Garnet please step forward.

Eiko: Dagger! We get to fight side by side! Just the two of us!

Garnet: Yes, we do. Heh, you're a little more excited about this than I am Eiko.

_Inner Eiko: Mwahaha...now's my chance to prove to Zidane that I'm far better than his little Princess Garnet! That sexy little genome will be mine! _

Garnet: Is something on your mind, Eiko?

Eiko: Oh, no...nothing...eh heh heh.

Kaira: Fighting for Team Three will be Tifa and Freya

Tifa: Yes! --thinking-- _Ha Aeris! Take that! I'll win this challenge and prove to Cloud what a fighter I am!_

Freya: --twirls her javelin around-- Lets get this over with.

Kaira: For Team Four we have Ruby and Angelo.

Ruby: Oh gosh, no! ...hey...now wait just a flee bitten minute here, Missy. Are you tryin' to tell me I got a dog for partner?

Kaira: That's right.

Angelo: Ruff --thinking-- _Now wait just a flee-bitten minute...are you trying to tell me I have a weakling hick for a partner? Personally. I'd take a dog over that...  
_  
Ruby: Well, at least she's cute.

Angelo: Grrr... --thinking-- _Unlike you... _

Kaira: And last, Team Five will have Selphie and Quina as their fighters. (A/N yes, I make Quina a chic...you got a problem with that, then get over it...)

Quina: Yay! Quina fight hard! Quina fight good! Quina eat food and impress Kuja!

Selphie: Who?

Kuja: What the hell do eating food and impressing me have to do with this challenge?

Irvine: I think somebody has a secret crush.

Kuja: Oh dear God... Is this my punishment for trying to destroy two worlds? And I always thought Hell sounded bad...

Quistis: Personally, I always thought this mountain _was_ Hell.

Squall: He's got a point.

Kaira: Well, then who would that make me?

Zell: Do you really want us to answer that?

Kaira: ...Okay, so then, moving on to the game! The first match will be Quina from Team Five and Ruby from Team Two. And by the way, I'm letting you all have your weapons back for this challenge.

Quina: Quina fight acthief good!

Ruby: ...Fight whut?

Marcus: I think she means acting thief.

Ruby: Oh.

Kaira: Stop talking, dammit! FIGHT!

Quina: --runs at Ruby with fork in hand--

(A/N Quina and Ruby are in the middle of a circular ring now, by the way, that Kaira made in the center of the field)

Ruby: GAAAAAHH! That's not fair! I don't have a weapon!

Kaira: Yeah, well don't come crying to me about it...complain to Square Soft.

Ruby: Who?

Kaira: Never mind.

Quina: --stabs fork at Ruby--

Ruby: I don't wanna be a tenderized barbeque! Stop tryin'a hit me!

Zidane: Ruby...you've gotta fight!

Blank: Yeah, with the way you're doing things now, this'll take all day!

Marcus: Ruby, I hate to be mean to you, but you're a horrible fighter.

Blank: ...Go Quina!

Marcus: Blank!

Ruby: Alright, that's it. I'm fightin' back! --turns around and charges at Quina--

Quina: --sticks out tongue-- BLLLLAAAAAAEEEEEHHHHH!

Ruby: AH! --faints--

Kaira: ...Well, what the hell was that!

Amarant: Never thought Quina would win a fight that easily...

Kaira: Um...well, that fight was stupid as crap, but I guess Quina wins.

Quina: Quina do good! Me get prize now! Where barbeque?

Kaira: What? That was just Ruby being stupid. There is no barbeque.

Quina: Want food!

Kaira: Okay okay! Umm...eat Ruby.

Quina: --looks down at the raw human-- ...Not hungry anymore...Lose appetite.

Kaira: So then, on to the next fight between Eiko from Team Two and Rinoa from Team One.

Rinoa: --looks at Eiko-- HAHAHA! You want me to fight that little pipsqueak?

Eiko: --glare-- ...HAHAHA! You want me to fight that little bimbo?

Rinoa: ...--glare--

Eiko: --smiles innocently--

((both step into the ring))

Kaira: And...GO!

Rinoa: --holds up her cross bow-- Heh...I wont even have to take a step to beat you, pipsqueak.

Eiko: --holds up her flute-- I wont even have to fight. --plays a song--

Rinoa: ...you're gonna fight me with music?

((A giant wolf suddenly appears in front of Rinoa))

Eiko: No...I'm gonna fight you with _that_. Fenrir!

Rinoa: A GF! I've never seen _that_ GF before!

Eiko: G...F...?

Rinoa: Yeah, you know. A Guardian Force.

Eiko: You mean an eidolon?

Rinoa: A what?

Kaira: Oh, for the love of God! Fight!

Eiko: Oh yeah! Fenrir, attack!

Rinoa: Umm... --fires cross bow at Fenrir--

((arrow bounces off of Fenrir))

Rinoa: ...oh crap...

Zidane: Go Rinoa!

Garnet: Zidane! What are you doing? Eiko will be crushed if she hears you cheering against her!

Zidane: I guess that's true... --whispers-- Go Rinoa!

Garnet: Why are you cheering for _her_?

Zidane: Because! It's a chick fight. And Rinoa has nicer...

Garnet: --glare-- ...Nicer what?

Zidane: ...

Garnet: You're cheering for Rinoa just because she has better looking boobs than a six year old!

Squall: Zidane...you're doing what?

Zidane: Well, she does...

Squall: --waits till Garnet turns away in anger-- It's okay, man. I mean...she does.

Eiko: Hahaha! Fenrir, finish her off!

Rinoa: --fires another arrow at Fenrir--

Quistis: --sigh-- Rinoa! Your fight is with Eiko. Not Fenrir! Now quit goofing off and fight your opponent!

Rinoa: Huh...? --thinking-- _Oh! I get it! _

((Fenrir leaps for towards Rinoa))

Rinoa: GAAAHH! --carefully looks past Fenrir and fires an arrow at Eiko--

Eiko: Ah! My arm!

Fenrir: --looks back at his summoner--

Rinoa: --runs past Fenrir and spin kicks Eiko in the head-- HIIIYAAA!

Eiko: --swirly eyes-- ... --passes out--

Kaira: See...now this fight was a little more fun than the last. Rinoa wins round two!

Rinoa: Yay me!

Kaira: In round three, we have Rikku from Team One versus Tifa from Team Three.

Rikku: Hmm, now _this_ sounds like a fun match-up!

Tifa: I hope you don't expect to win.

Rikku: We'll see.

Kaira: Alright, two girls pumped up for a fight! Now...FIGHT!

Zidane: This fight's even better than the last one!

Garnet: --SMACK--

Rikku: --runs to the edge of the ring and throws a grenade at Tifa--

Tifa: --BOOM--

Rikku: Ha! Take that! --runs over into the smoke of the grenade--

Tifa: "Take that" yourself! --pops out of the smoke and nails Rikku in the jaw--

Rikku: AH! --falls backward onto the ground and wipes blood off of her mouth--

Tifa: --punches knuckles together and smiled at Rikku--

Rikku: Why, you little... --gets up quickly and lunges a dagger a Tifa--

Tifa: --jumps in the air to avoid being hit and comes back down with a fist Rikku's head--

Rikku: --thrusts a dagger into Tifa's stomach--

Tifa: --gasps for air--

((both girls collapse))

Kaira: --jumps into the arena-- Umm...

Rikku: Oww... --stands back up and staggers back and forth, up and down-- ...so rayt...

Kaira: Rikku wins! On to round four! Angelo from Team Four against Garnet from Team Two.

Garnet: A dog? Aww...she's so cute! But can she really fight?

Angelo: --thinking-- _Hell ya, I can human! _

Kaira: And...GO!

Angelo: Rarf! --runs towards Garnet and lunges at her--

Garnet: YAH! --dodges her-- I can't attack a cute little dog.

Angelo: grr... --turns around towards Garnet and charges--

Zidane: Dagger! That "cute little dog" is trying to kill you! now just summon something and you wont actually have to fight her!

Garnet: --summons Ifrit--

Ifrit: --makes...whatever noise Ifrit makes (Roar?)--

Rinoa: Oh...that's not fair! Angelo can't use any of her special attacks if I'm not fighting by her side.

Ifrit: --swings his huge arm down at Angelo and throws her far out of the ring--

Angelo: --YELP-- --lands hard on the ground and doesn't get back up--

Rinoa: ANGELO! --runs to her dog--

Kaira: Sweet! Go Ifr-I-mean-Garnet...heh. Garnet wins round four, and now on to the final round. Round five! Selphie from Team Five and Freya from Team Three, please step into the ring.

Selphie: Finally! Now who is Freya?

Freya: --drops down from out of the sky in front of Selphie-- Freya Crescent...at your service.

Selphie: Um...why can't I be the one fighting a dog or a six year old...?

Freya: Scared?

Selphie: Uh...of course not! --looks at Freya with a tough, droll face--

Kaira: Aaaaaannnnnd...GOOOOO!

Selphie: Hiiiiyaa! --steps forward and twirls her nun-chuck at Freya--

Freya: --nonchalantly hops into the air, landing behind Selphie-- Bye... --swings her javelin at Selphie--

Selphie: GAH! --ducks and counters by swinging her nun-chuck at Freya's legs--

Freya: --trips and falls on her side--

Selphie: Aha! Gotcha! --hurls her giant nun-chuck at Freya who suddenly vanishes-- ...huh?

Freya: Up here! --throws her javelin down at Selphie, directly beneath her--

Selphie: AH! --pierce--

Zell and Irvine: SELPHIE!

Selphie: --stares down at the spear in her stomach-- It's...okay you guys...I'm...fine... --collapses from blood loss--

Kaira: --sends in a medical crew for Selphie-- And the winner of our final round is Freya.

Wakka: This was a long episode, ya.

Kaira: --imitates Wakka-- Ya, it was...ya...

Wakka: --glare--

Kaira: Well, since this did take so long and we don't have time to finish the entire challenge, here's what I'm gonna do. (pay attention voters!) Immunity for the challenge goes to **Quina, Rinoa, Rikku, Garnet, **and **Freya**. Got that? No voting for any of these five! All of their team mates, however, are fair game. So I hope you enjoyed this challenge and keep a lookout for our next episode to see the conclusion of these chick wars. Have fun voting!


	5. Episode 4

Kaira: Hey again, everybody! Welcome to our Fourth episode of KotM2. Thanks again to everyone who cares enough to vote! You're definitely the ones that keep this game going. So thanks again, and here's what you've been waiting for...Part Two of our Chic fights!

Rinoa: P-P-P-Part two! But I thought I was done fighting...

Kaira: Weeeeell, you're not --smiles innocently--

Paine: So who're you gonna force to duke it out this time?

Kaira: Easy. All of the girls who won the last round!

Garnet: No!

Rikku: Yes!

Quina: Food!

Freya: If I must...

Kaira: Now here's how it's gonna work. Once again, two of you will fight at a time in a one on one battle. But obviously that leaves one extra person since there are five girls total. One of you will get an automatic pass to the next round. However, that person will face a tougher opponent once they get to that next round.

Tidus: Hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute! You never told us who got eliminated.

Cid: The young feller's got a point. Now out with it, wolf.

Kaira: Okay, okay...fine. Yeesh, you forget to do something one time and everyone turns on ya... Anyway, the person out is Laguna.

Laguna: Aww...well Kiros...Ward...I guess this is goodbye.

Kiros & Ward: Bye wave

Laguna: Wha...That easily? You're just gonna say goodbye and that's that? --grips Kiros' shoulders-- You don't even care that I'm leaving you!

Kiros: Umm...a tad exaggerated I think, Laguna.

Ward: Yea...

Laguna: Well yea, but...I mean we're...I'm gonna be... --eyes start watering-- ...all alone...

Kaira: Oh please! Enough of this! --presses the remote--

Laguna: No, wait! ...crap... --disappears--

((reappears on the raft))

Don: Hey! Laguna, my man! So nice of you to join us at this lovely night club. Such beautiful ladies at this place --drools while looking at a certain part of Edea--

Edea: --glare--

Laguna: Night club? ... ladies? --looks around at the never ending ocean and the rickety raft they were sitting on-- What is he talking about?

Braska: Well, he was singing songs about alcoholic beverages.

Cait Sith: And now he thinks he's drunk.

Laguna: ...oh

((back on the mountain))

Kaira: Okay, now as I was trying to say before I was rudely interrupted about the voting...

Tidus: "Rudely interrupted"? You should thank me!

Kaira: Shut up, Blondie... Anywoo, about the challenge, the way we're going to find out who automatically goes into round two is simple. You five ladies...or rather...four ladies and one pink thing with an unnaturally large tongue...will decide among yourselves who the person should be.

Garnet: So we decide?

Kaira: Well, that _is_ what I just said.

Rinoa: Well, I don't want it to be me! There's no telling who this "extra hard" person is she's gonna make us fight against.

Quina: Hey! Kaira going to bring out 'nother pop singer for us to play against?

Kaira: Eh...not this time...Kaira lost her job last time she did that... --sigh--

Garnet: Well, I vote for Freya. I think she's most likely to be able to beat this secret foe of ours.

Rikku: I vote for me! I'll bop that thing right outta the ring!

Freya: I'm sure you will... Well, if that's what she thinks, then I vote for her too.

Garnet: Freya!

Rinoa: I think you should go as well, Freya. I'm agreeing with Garnet.

Rikku: AWW! Are you telling me the deciding vote rests on THAT thing! --points accusingly at Quina--

Garnet: Well, Quina? Do you think it should be Rikku or Freya?

Quina: Quina like Freya.

Rinoa: Well, that's that then.

Rikku: What? She's only saying that because she knows Freya and not me...that's not fair!

Kaira: --flies down next to Rikku-- Honey, that's life, okay? It's not fair...get over it! Now then, on with the show. Freya, Rikku, and Garnet can all leave the arena. Because Quina and Rinoa are up first!

Quina: RINNIE!

Rinoa: I have to fight...that?

Quina: Fight! Food! Food! Fight! Eat!

Rinoa: ...--sweat drop--

Kaira: Okay then...FIGHT!

Quina: --grabs fork-- YUMMIES!

Rinoa: YAAAAH! --covers head with her arms and hands--

Quina: --runs past Rinoa--

Rinoa: Huh? ...Quina! I'm over here! Where are you going?

Quina: Dog! YUM!

Rinoa: Gyah! You're gonna eat my dog!

Angelo: --cringe-- --whimper--

Rinoa: --narrows eyes-- Oh...this means war, sister! ANGELO!

((Angelo runs up to Rinoa and the two use a combination move that sends Quina hurtling into the air))

Quina: --falls back to the ground all swirly eyed--

Kaira: Eh...okay then, that was fast. Rinoa wins!

Barthello: Hey wait! That's not fair. Rinoa had help from Angelo, which made Quina out numbered.

(A/N btw, Barthello was only sticking up for Quina because she's on his team)

Kaira: So? I don't care.

Barthello: But...it's not fair.

Kaira: Says who? I make up the rules and I never said the audience wasn't allowed to help. You all just assumed, just like you always do. --smirk-- You're all a bunch of idiots, if you ask me.

Barthello: ...

Dona: Just shut up Barthello...

Barthello: But Dona...

Dona: I said shut up!

Barthello: Dona...

Seifer: Ugh...couples are annoying...can we just start the next fight already?

Kaira: Agreed...Rikku. Garnet. Lets go!

Rikku: Alright! --singing-- I get to hit a princess! I get to hit a princess!

Garnet: ... --glare--

Rikku: -clenches fists-- Lets do this! --throws a bomb at Garnet--

Garnet: AH! --summons Shiva--

((Shiva freezes the bombs and therefore puts out the fuse))

Rikku: Hey...That's not fair! --sigh-- Fine then...new plan! Time to bring out the big guns...

((Shiva attacks Rikku head-on))

Rikku: MACHINA MAW! --transforms into her special dress-sphere--

Garnet: What? Shiva, attack that thing!

Rikku: --fires guns at Shiva and Garnet--

Garnet: Ah! --arm and side get hit with bullets-- Shiva!

((Shiva stands in front of Garnet and attempts to block the bullets))

Zidane: DAGGER! --rushes into the ring and stands in front of Garnet--

(A/N Shiva had disappeared by now from being injured by so many bullets)

Rikku: Huh? Zidane! This isn't your fight. I'm not allowed to attack you, so move.

Zidane: No!

Rikku: Aww, come on. Please.

Garnet: Zidane...you didn't have to...

Zidane: Yes, I did. Dagger, I don't care if you win or not! You're far more important to me than this stupid game.

Rikku: --starts crying-- Aww...that's... --sniffle-- ...so... --sniffle-- ...CUUUUUUUTE! Wah hah hah hah! --continues crying--

Eiko: --thinking-- _yucckh... look at those two...all lovy dovy up there in front of everyone... hmph...It should be ME, not that pretty little tramp!_ --sigh-- _oh well, I mean, I guess I didn't really want her to die either...so I shouldn't complain...But GOSH, do they really have to show so much PDA?_ --watches as Zidane and Dagger kiss and hug while everyone else watches and either awws or pukes--

Vivi: But, umm...who wins?

Kaira: Well, I suppose Rikku does, since Zidane defended Garnet.

Rinoa: So how come I was allowed to use someone else to attack, but Garnet's not allowed to use someone else to defend?

Kaira: Because I feel like being moody. Now then, Rikku wins!

Rikku: Eh...okay then...YAY!

Kaira: So now we have Rinoa, Rikku, and Freya left in the running for immunity. Now first off, we're gonna have Freya go up agai...hey, wait a second...

Ward: What's wrong?

Kaira: The winners of those two matches were suppose to fight against each other in the next round...but those two are on the same team.

Cinna: But I thought this was an individual thing?

Kaira: Well, it was before. But now the way I was gonna decide immunity was that whoever wins will get immunity and so will the rest of their team. And there's no point in having Rikku and Rinoa fight against each other if they're on the same team.

Lulu: So what do we do?

Reno: I got an idea: Lets forget about the whole tournament thing, and just say my team wins immunity.

Elena: ...what exactly would that solve?

Reno: Simple. It would solve my problem of possibly being eliminated.

Rude: Reno?

Reno: Yeah, buddy?

Rude: ...Shut up...

Kaira: I got it! A two on two battle with Rinoa and Rikku on one team and Freya on the other. But Freya gets to pick one member of her team to fight along side her.

Freya: You never told us who this extra strong opponent was that I was gonna have to fight against before.

Kaira: And I'm not gonna tell you. We'll save that person for another challenge. So who ya gonna pick, Freya?

Tifa: Oh, pick me! Pick me! ME! I'm a good fighter! I can win for you! Come on! ME!

Freya: Well, she's always so eager to fight...so I'd definitely have to say Beatrix.

Beatrix: Really? Thank you, Freya. It'd be my honor to fight along side you.

Tifa: WHA...! Not fair...

Kaira: Okay! Rinoa and Rikku. Freya and Beatrix. Get ready! And...FIGHT!

Freya: Can you handle them for now?

Beatrix: Of course! Now go.

Freya: --leaps into the air and disappears from sight--

Rinoa: Rikku, go long ranged! Don't let Beatrix get near you.

Rikku: Will do! --transforms into GUNNER dress-sphere and starts firing at Beatrix--

Beatrix: Heh, you're both pathetic... --uses sword to block both girls' attacks--

Rikku: Ugh, this isn't working...New strategy, Rinoa. --transforms into her normal clothes and grabs a handful of grenades-- BOMB TIME!

Rinoa: --whistles-- Lets go, Angelo! --starts to combine with Angelo--

Beatrix: Oh no you don't... HYAH! --rushes at the two girls and slashes her sword across them--

((Rinoa is slashed in the arm, Rikku and Angelo in the stomach. Meanwhile, Rikku's grenades detonate and all three end up in the middle a series of explosions))

Rinoa: --cough cough-- Ange...lo... --pets Angelo affectionately--

Angelo: --whimper--

Rikku: --unconscious and bleeding--

Beatrix: --laying on ground gasping for air--

Freya: --comes back down to ground-- ...Well, that was easier than I expected...

Kaira: Freya and Beatrix win!

Beatrix: Go...us... --blacks out--

Kaira: So this means that Team Three has Immunity. Got it, voters? No voting for ANYONE on Team Three, everyone else is fair game! So hope you enjoyed this long awaited episode of "King (or Queen) of the Mountain," and that's all 'til next time...For now, I'm gonna go call in the White Mages...--sigh-- Perhaps this show has gotten too violent...but hey! Whatever makes good television, right?


	6. Episode 5

Kaira: Wow... --sweat drop-- Did we get taken off the air or something for a while...?

Auron: You're the host...shouldn't you know these things...?

Kaira: --glare--

Wakka: As the host of a TV show, you should know when it's taken off the air, ya.

Kaira: --fakes Besaid accent-- Well, maybe I'd know these things if the stupid writer of this show would pay more attention to the last time she updated, YA!

Raijin: Can't argue there, you know.

Fujin: Nope.

Vivi: I– I though you were the writer? I mean..."KAIRA" Fire-Demon...

Freakishly short Conde Peti guy: Te pinti het 'as e pint.

Kaira: What the...! You're not part of this show! Get back in FF9 where you belong!

Cinna: Ugh, are you gonna take forever to get to the votes again...? Come on, you've got me on edge here. I mean, I got out so quickly the first season, I keep thinkin' it might happen again.

Kuja: It probably will.

Cinna: Huh? ...Why?

Kuja: Because, nobody likes you.

Cinna: Ah, what do you know...? --smirk-- Blank likes me.

Kuja: --GASP-- What is this blasphemy you speak! --grabs Blank's shoulders-- Blank, my darling, tell me it's not true that you would choose this _fowl_ beast over a _sexy_ beast like myself...

Blank: ... --glare-- ...get off me...!

(A/N for those of you who haven't realized it, I enjoy making fun of the Blank/Kuja couple that we see so often on I, for one, HATE this couple because Blank is my man and no one else's! --sweat drop-- However, I have a good time making fun of the couple, just for the sake of torturing my beautiful Blank)

Kaira: --thinking-- _He's mine...!!!!!! _

Jecht: Can we just get on with it!

Kaira: Yes, let's... --glares at Kuja-- Ward? You're out.

Ward: Dang...no dilly dallying with that one. You just threw it at me.

Kaira: Yeah, well, I'm not in a great mood now...So get out of here, ya fat loser!

Ward: Hey, I'm not fat! It's muscle, damn it!

Kaira: Lalala, not listening --presses remote--

Ward: You little Bi– --disappears--

((On the Floating Island of Nothingness))

Ward: -tch!!!!

Don: What tch?! What's a tch? How do you even pronounce that?

Laguna: WARD!!!!!!! --BIG HUG--

Ward: Hey, Laguna...

Laguna: --glances over at Don and Cait Sith...then glances back at Ward-- --whisper-- Save...me...!!!

((On the mountain))

Tidus: Dude, Kuja...I think you pissed her off...

Vivi: That's not good...Do you know what kind of stuff she does when she's mad?!

Yuna: --worried-- What?

Sephiroth: You Final Fantasy X fools are so clueless...

Vincent: I have two letters for you, Yuna...M...J...

(A/N if you haven't read my first KotM, then this means nothing to you; if you have read it, then you know just what I mean...hahaha)

Yuna: ...What?

Kaira: Okay! I have the next challenge for you all ... We're gonna play a fun, but cruel little game that we played in the first season...It's called Truth or Dare...FEAR ME!!!

Barret: ...oh shit, we're boned!

Kaira: MWAHAHAHA!!!! --smirk-- Okay, Kimahri, you start.

Kimahri: hmm...Kimahri pick other cat beast, Red.

Red XIII: Great...thanks...eh, dare I guess. Heh...my dare was fun last season, so what the hell.

Kimahri: hmm...Kimahri dare Red to dunk his tail in that stream over there.

Zell: What kind of a dare is that?

Kimahri: Kimahri want see if the fire on Red's tail will go out. And if it does, what happen?

Red XIII: ...--sighs, walks over to the puddle, and dunks his tail in--

Zell: --leans in with anticipation--

Red XIII: --takes tail back out of the water and sighs in relief-- See? Nothing happened. The flame just went out temporarily.

Tidus: Aw, well that was boring...

Red XIII: --body starts trembling uncontrollably--

Tidus: Nanaki? Are...you okay?

Red XIII: --vomits--

Aeris: Oh my gosh, Red XIII!

Red XIII: --glances around dazedly and starts singing-- ...She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she co... --vomits again and falls to the ground motionless--

Ruby: Red, darlin'...is he? ...Oh my...

Red XIII: --farts and the gas causes his tail to light back up-- ...what the...? --stands back up-- ...Well, that was weird...that must be what drugs feel like...

Reno: You mean you can get high just from dipping your tail in water? Ah, no fair! You got it so much easier than the rest of us!

Elena: Reno! --sigh-- Anyway, it's Nanaki's turn, isn't it?

Red XIII: --still slightly dazed-- Um...Brother...Truth or dare?

Brother: eh...dare!

Red XIII: I dare you to kiss...

Brother: --whispers-- Yuna...Yuna...YUNA!!!

Red XIII: ...Rikku!

Brother and Rikku: FRYD?!

Vivi: Who's Fred? I thought he said Rikku.

Paine: They said "fryd" stupid...it's Al Bhed for "What."

Rikku: I have to kiss... --glances at Brother-- NO!!! I'm not gonna kiss my...INCEST EWW!!!! INCE-E-E-E-EST!!!!

Dona: Aw, come on. You gotta kiss him. The game's no fun if you don't!

Tidus: Agreed! Now lets see some dirt.

Yuna: --glares and hits Tidus with her staff--

Rikku: Nuh uh! --shakes head vigorously--

Kaira: Okay, then. You two are out!

Quistis: Out? That's not how the game worked last season. No one was in or out it was just a pointless game that you forced us to play that had absolutely no say in who got Immunity.

Kaira: ...so...

Quistis: --glare-- Well, how is the game gonna work _this_ time?

Kaira: I haven't decided yet... --smiles innocently-- But most likely we'll go back to it being completely pointless and having no say in who gets Immunity.

Sephiroth: Great...

Kaira: Heh heh! Okay then...um...Auron, truth or dare?

Auron: --thinking-- _Damn it...I was hoping my name wouldn't get called..._ --out loud-- Do I really have to play this foolish game?

Kaira: Yes, you do! Cause we're foolish people that play foolish games, now be foolish with us, you fool!!!

Auron: Fine, truth.

Kaira: Do you have a crush on anyone here?

Auron: No.

Kaira: Wh...but...no one?

Auron: Nope.

Kaira: Well, if you had to pick someone who would you pick?

Auron: Sorry, but if I remember the rules of this game correctly, you can only ask one question per turn.

Wakka: I think he wins, ya.

Kaira: --glare-- Fine! Jerk!

Auron: --smirk-- Okay, Irvine, truth or dare?

Irvine: Ha, dare of course!

Auron: Make out with Zell...

--everyone gasps--

Lulu: Auron...I didn't know you were capable of such perversion.

Irvine: Alright!

Zell: WHAT? Get away from me, ya homo-freak!

Sephie: ZELL!!!

Zell: --cowers away from Selphie--

Selphie: That is NOT a very nice thing to say about someone! I mean, how judgemental can you get! Now go over there and kiss Irvine!

Squall: Selphie...what the hell?

Zell: --scared-- Yes, ma'am! --crawls over to Irvine and they make out for a few seconds--

Irvine: ...You're not very good at that, Zell.

Zell: Well, I apparently haven't had as much practice as you! What the hell was that? --shivers-- Ugh! Did you really have to get THAT into it!

Irvine: --smirk-- Well, I didn't wanna disappoint. I guess that just proves which of us is better for Selphie, huh.

Zell: --FUMES-- WHAT? Hey, Just 'cause you're better at making out with men than I am, doesn't mean she'll like you more!

Irvine: heh heh...you really believe that?

Zell: Y...yes!

Irvine: Then you obviously don't know women very well...

Zell: --severe fuming--

Selphie: --sweat drop-- Eh...calm down, Zell...H-he's the one that said it, not me. That's just _his_ opinion.

Kaira: Mmmay-be we should move on...

Zell: ...Steiner, truth or dare?

Beatrix: Come on, Steiner. Be a man! Pick dare!

Steiner: --nervous-- D-dare...?

Zell: Take off your armor.

Steiner: ...That's it? That's all I have to do? ...Wait! You DO just mean my armor...right?

Zell: EW! Yes! Gugh, trust me, I've had enough of that today...JUST the armor.

Beatrix: ...why?

Zell: I don't know. I've just never seen him with it off.

Steiner: --takes the armor off and reveals a studly, chiseled body--

Zidane: Whoa! Rusty's hot!

Garnet and Beatrix: --smack--

Zidane: --sweat drop-- Heh heh...

Steiner: Anyway...uh...Jecht, truth or dare?

Jecht: Ah, what the hell? Dare me, big boy!

Steiner: hmm...I dare you to pinch your sons butt.

Beatrix: ...Steiner!

Tidus: ...wh...what!

Jecht: --starts moving his hand towards Tidus's rear--

Tidus: G-get away from me, Dad! I'm not letting you do that! --whispers to Jecht-- Especially not in front of Yuna!

Kaira: Hm, okay then! Tidus is out to! And I've just decided how the game is gonna work this time. When one person from a certain team is out, the whole rest of their team is out as well. So since Rikku and Brother got out, that means Team One is out. And now that Tidus is out, Team Four is out as well.

Rude: What? That's not fair.

Red XIII: Yeah, that means I got temporarily high for nothing. That can't be good for my body!

Zell: It also means I kissed Irvine for nothing! Man, that's not even funny!

Selphie: Actually it is kinda sorta maybe just a LITTLE funny...

Zell: --glare--

Selphie: I said "maybe"!

Kaira: Well, this episode has been delayed long enough. I'm gonna end the game here for now and we'll continue next episode.

Barthello: Then who gets Immunity?

Kaira: Well, since Team's One and Four are the only ones out, I'm gonna say that Teams Two, Three, and Five ALL have Immunity.

Cid: ...Sweet.

Kaira: Okay voters, make sure to check the list of who you can and can't vote for before voting. **You can ONLY vote for people on Team One or Team Four! **Have fun voting!


	7. Kaira's Poetry Corner Part 2

Kaira: ...--slowly glances to the left-- ... --slowly glances to the right-- ...--slowly looks down her shirt-- ...Well, what happened to the votes?!

Vivi: Maybe they're hiding.

Yuffie: 'Cause they're scared of you!

Barthello: I know we are...

Kaira: --glare-- Yeah, yeah, whatever! Well, because of a lack of votes...we once again have a five-way tie that needs breaking... --sigh--

Cid: Well, now what then?

Kaira: Hmm...looks like it's time for another... --drum roll-- KAIRA'S POETRY CORNER!!

Everyone: --groan--

Brother: Ahh, do we have to?

Kaira: Yes, now shut up and listen. --smiles innocently-- My first order of business is to announce who the tie is between. First up, we have Tidus.

Tidus: What?

Auron: Well, that's surprising...and I though people liked you.

Kaira: The second person...er...dog...is Angelo.

Angelo: --thinking-- _No one ever gives the dog a chance..._ --growl-- _I mean, really! In fights I'm the one that does all the work...not that Rinoa, and yet people still like her more than me!_

Kaira: That's because she's more entertaining and more fun to make fun of.

Angelo: --perks head up in confusion--

Kaira: ...I'm a wolf, remember...? ...I speak canine fluently...Anyway, the third person is Dona.

Dona: How dare people vote for me, the best Summoner on Spira!

Vincent: ...On what?

Barthello: Nooo!! Don't take my Dona away from me!

Kaira: ...um...yea...next we have Raijin.

Raijin: That's not very nice to vote for me, ya know.

Kaira: We know already, dammit! Gosh, some people really get on my nerves...

Kimahri: Who last out?

Kaira: Ruby.

Ruby: --heavy southern accent-- Me? And I always thought I was pretty likable...

Rinoa: Well, apparently not...haha!

Kaira: Newsflash, honey...no one likes you either...

Rinoa: ...

Kaira: SO! To begin our Poetry Corner, it's time for another Diss the Cast!

Welcome back and enjoy my rhythmic intellect

Poetry is to me as Blitzball is to Jecht

His son on the other hand isn't quite so gifted

It's no wonder Yuna'd rather suck on Brother's tattooed neck

Yuna: --shocked-- Eh...what?!

Tidus: Yuna! What have you done?

Yuna: N-nothing! I can't stand him...

Brother: I always knew you wanted me, baby --wraps arm around Yuna--

Tidus: Back off, perv! --slashes sword at him--

Kaira: Now Rikku however is a pretty cool chick

I admire her spunk and her thieving's pretty slick

Sorry I'm focusing so much on FF10

Pid ed'c dra uhmo uhm fedr e luum myhgiyka

Fujin: Huh?

Kaira: OK enough of 10, lets move on to 7

And talk about a place called the seventh heaven

Tifa runs a little bar where men come and drink

Sorry Hooters, Tifa's where your customers are headin'.

But we can't forgot about Aeris, the other main girl

Between her and Tifa, Cloud's head's in a whirl

People go back and forth, debating who he should be with,

But face it, Cloud'll choose those racks, though they make me wanna hurl...

Tifa and Aeris: --shocked and horrified face--

Aeris: He'll what?

Tifa: My what?

Kaira: So that's the end for now, but I'll be back again

Making music with my rhymin' like Kuja and Blank in bed

I can promise you however, there'll be more insults to come

So wait for Diss the Cast 3. This is Kaira, peace, the end!

Kuja: --sigh-- If only it were true...

Blank: --cringe-- I hate you, Kaira.

Kaira: No, you don't! You love me! --hugs Blank--

Blank: Fine...but if I didn't love you, I'd hate you.

Kaira: And now it's your turn Tidus, Angelo, Dona, Raijin, and Ruby!

All five of them moan in annoyance

Kaira: Tidus, you're first.

Tidus: Great... --looks at Yuna standing in there watching him-- Hmmm...

Roses are red, violets are blue

But not even roses compare to fair you

Though beauty defines them, aromas so sweet

My flower of the field is by far the elite

Her voice is like the ocean, her eyes shimmering jewels

To I ever let her slip away, I'd be the king of fools

Yuna: AWWWW!! Tidus, that was beautiful!! --runs up to him and embraces him with a kiss--

Everyone else 'awws'

Kaira: Yeah, yeah, we all know it's sappy...Angelo, take your turn before I puke!

Angelo: --nods and walks up onto the giant rock being used as a stage--

Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Bark bark bark woof erruff

yip yip yip bark bark arf-uf

Ruff ruff ruff, arf, woof wuff

Red XIII: --sigh-- She has such a way with words...

Amarant: ...

Cloud: What?

Barret: What the !& did that dog just say?!

Kaira: --wipes away tear-- That was amazing Angelo, just stunning...--sniffle-- Okay... --sniffle-- Dona, you're up --sniffle--

Dona: --rolls eyes-- Why must I participate in something so frivolous?! It rather quite annoying that do this crap to us... I say we don't up with it! Come on who's with me now? Lets revolt, go back to our homes and lock her in a jail house.

Kaira: Well, done, Dona.

Dona: ...what?

Kaira: Oh...that wasn't your poem...? Well, it rhymed, so lets just go with it! --sweat drop-- Heh heh...Raijin?

Raijin: Uh...hmm...

I'm not that great at rhyming, ya know.

It's pretty hard to do, ya know.

But I'll try my best to give it a go,

so here it goes, ya know.

Kaira is a meany girl

She's bossy and loud, ya know.

I should just crush her with my fist

Then we can all go home, ya know.

Kaira: ...ok 1) I guess I deserved the last two poems because I _am_ the one that started the whole dissing thing...2) I'd like to see you _try_ to crush me, ya big, stupid lummox! and 3)"ya know" _**cannot**_ be rhymed with "ya know." IT'S THE SAME TWO WORDS!!

Seifer: If you're gonna criticize other people's poetry, don't ask them to recite it...

Squall: The King of big, stupid lummoxes is right, Kaira... --glare-- That's a first...

Seifer: --glares back--

Kaira: True...okay, sorry Raijin...anyway, last but not least, Ruby's turn!

Ruby: Gosh dog it, I'm an actress, not a poet. --thinks--

Feel me now as my touch grows cold

Captive here in this realm of old

Tears of sweetness decay to blood

Drowning me in a crimson flood

Call me now to the darkness realm

Hear her mocking beneath her helm

Geared for war in a world of death

Dark Calamity, Hell's Lillith

Marcus: Whoa...wha...Ruby? Where'd that come from? That was sooo...

Kaira: Good! Dang, Ruby!

Cinna: ...Marcus...I'm scared...

Marcus: Me too, Cinna...me too... --cowers away from Ruby--

Kaira: Well, you've heard everyone's poems and now it's time for the re-voting to break the tye! Remember, you can ONLY vote for either Tidus, Angelo, Dona, Raijin, or Ruby. And lets try not to have a tie again...we still gotta finish that game of Truth or Dare. Cheers!! And Happy Voting!


End file.
